A Return

Another return to this blog, it is already 2008. Time flew very fast that sometimes we just missed it. Now is my semester holiday again but it will only last for 18days. I guessed too short to call it a holiday. Guess it is just what we called a break. During this semester break, i did not packed myself up with alot of stuff. Yet i have choosen to push away all those meetings up with friends. I just wanna stay at home and rest. After every semester i just felt exhausted. It feels like i have just met a war. A big war!

Thus, i choose to stay and home and relax. I am tired mentally. I need to rest. But without a sound or just a blink of eyes, the holiday is coming to an end. Frankly, i am scare. Scare of my results and also scare to go back to study. I think this course has really scared me out. So people, pls dont choose actuarial science. It is really not easy. It really tests a student's stamina and mental. The way we have to face tests almost every week which lasted for atleast 10 weeks. I have tests or assignments every weeks, then a study week then finals for 3 weeks. This semester my test even lasted till the last week of my semester. How terrible it is. How much can we withstand physically and mentally. But the toughest has already past. I am so thankful that i have sailed through.

Now the biggest challenge faced is waiting for the release of my final's result. I am scare. Very scare! The only thing i can do is pray to God. Hope God will help me to sail through. Pls!!!

Holiday is always times when i try to regain my confidence. After every semester, my confidence always teared apart. But i am learning. Learning to regain and maintain my confidence as long as possible as soon as possible. I am also learning to have courage to face every obstacles coming ahead. I know my future will not be an easy journey. But there is no return. I cannot retreat at this moment or maybe i would say i have cut off the mind of retrieving. I only want to move ahead and i am determine to. Just that i am lack of courage and confidence. I am afraid of that feeling of stress and tension. I hate the feeling of a big stone on my chest. But believe me, i am trying very hard to improve myself.

Another thing i have learned is to use the purest heart to face challenges. My biggest challenge now is my studies. During my holidays, i have watched an atlet talking about his achievement. He said that he had succeeded before but fell terribly once before he get back on track again after many years. It took years for him to understand that if he keep thinking to only win the game, he will never succeed again in his life. Thus he realised that only by playing with the purest heart and sticking to his believe in sport, he will succeed. Not because of the gold medal but for his vision in sports. Therefore, everytime he plays a match, he sticks to his purest heart.

This has gives me a hint in my life. What is my main purpose of study? My main purpose of study is because i like the way it is. Common, what is an A?? Forget bout it. All this while, since the day my grade is falling, i tried to push harder and harder. But the more i push,the more i fall harder. I am too obsess with the grading system. I am too obssess that i have forget the meaning of education and the joy in it. It is time to learn to use the most purest heart to face my studies, to face every tests and examinations. Everyone is fear of falling but if you never fall, you will never know that you have succeeded. Stop comparing with pass results. Start all over again. Start to enjoy the process and the journey of study. I think i have still a long way to learn. To learn to take things easily and to enjoy what i am attached to. Since i cant retreat then must as well enjoy it.

After so much of positive thinking, sometimes i will still turn to the negative side. But i am a human. It's hard to change a perspective in a blink of an eye. But i am learning. I believe i shall can handle my emotions and mentally better and not to be that greedy to have lots of A's. I pray to God to give me a hand!!!

Ok, i know my results is bad but i still hope for a better result. Pls dont be too disappointing!!!
And i hope my mummy's hand will recover soon.
I pray to God sincerely.....Thanks for everyone(especially my family) and God for helping me...

-yin-