A Return

Another return to this blog, it is already 2008. Time flew very fast that sometimes we just missed it. Now is my semester holiday again but it will only last for 18days. I guessed too short to call it a holiday. Guess it is just what we called a break. During this semester break, i did not packed myself up with alot of stuff. Yet i have choosen to push away all those meetings up with friends. I just wanna stay at home and rest. After every semester i just felt exhausted. It feels like i have just met a war. A big war!

Thus, i choose to stay and home and relax. I am tired mentally. I need to rest. But without a sound or just a blink of eyes, the holiday is coming to an end. Frankly, i am scare. Scare of my results and also scare to go back to study. I think this course has really scared me out. So people, pls dont choose actuarial science. It is really not easy. It really tests a student's stamina and mental. The way we have to face tests almost every week which lasted for atleast 10 weeks. I have tests or assignments every weeks, then a study week then finals for 3 weeks. This semester my test even lasted till the last week of my semester. How terrible it is. How much can we withstand physically and mentally. But the toughest has already past. I am so thankful that i have sailed through.

Now the biggest challenge faced is waiting for the release of my final's result. I am scare. Very scare! The only thing i can do is pray to God. Hope God will help me to sail through. Pls!!!

Holiday is always times when i try to regain my confidence. After every semester, my confidence always teared apart. But i am learning. Learning to regain and maintain my confidence as long as possible as soon as possible. I am also learning to have courage to face every obstacles coming ahead. I know my future will not be an easy journey. But there is no return. I cannot retreat at this moment or maybe i would say i have cut off the mind of retrieving. I only want to move ahead and i am determine to. Just that i am lack of courage and confidence. I am afraid of that feeling of stress and tension. I hate the feeling of a big stone on my chest. But believe me, i am trying very hard to improve myself.

Another thing i have learned is to use the purest heart to face challenges. My biggest challenge now is my studies. During my holidays, i have watched an atlet talking about his achievement. He said that he had succeeded before but fell terribly once before he get back on track again after many years. It took years for him to understand that if he keep thinking to only win the game, he will never succeed again in his life. Thus he realised that only by playing with the purest heart and sticking to his believe in sport, he will succeed. Not because of the gold medal but for his vision in sports. Therefore, everytime he plays a match, he sticks to his purest heart.

This has gives me a hint in my life. What is my main purpose of study? My main purpose of study is because i like the way it is. Common, what is an A?? Forget bout it. All this while, since the day my grade is falling, i tried to push harder and harder. But the more i push,the more i fall harder. I am too obsess with the grading system. I am too obssess that i have forget the meaning of education and the joy in it. It is time to learn to use the most purest heart to face my studies, to face every tests and examinations. Everyone is fear of falling but if you never fall, you will never know that you have succeeded. Stop comparing with pass results. Start all over again. Start to enjoy the process and the journey of study. I think i have still a long way to learn. To learn to take things easily and to enjoy what i am attached to. Since i cant retreat then must as well enjoy it.

After so much of positive thinking, sometimes i will still turn to the negative side. But i am a human. It's hard to change a perspective in a blink of an eye. But i am learning. I believe i shall can handle my emotions and mentally better and not to be that greedy to have lots of A's. I pray to God to give me a hand!!!

Ok, i know my results is bad but i still hope for a better result. Pls dont be too disappointing!!!
And i hope my mummy's hand will recover soon.
I pray to God sincerely.....Thanks for everyone(especially my family) and God for helping me...

-yin-

ESL language center

Since this holiday is a long one, therefore i decided to brush up my english as i was weak at my languages..at first i went to cambrigde but the courses werent suitable for me...then my mother recomended me ESL language center...she urged me to ask about the courses and start it immediately...so on my birthday i went to the subang branch to ask for further information..
Soon, they asked me to take on the level test to see which level to put me in...surprisingly i was at the highest level..so they said that i have to go to PJ branch as they do not offer the highest level classes here...therefore under my determination to study, my parents brought me there...i went for the one day trial and at the end of the day, the academic adviser said that the highest level will not be suitable for me as those things they are studying now, i could handle it very well...so she recomended me a few books to study on my own...

However, although it is only a one day trial, i think i have learnt alot...the class that i was in consists of many different countries' student...they are from korea,china,arab and many more...since everyone has different mother language,we can only communicate with english...therefore it is very obvious that ELS has a very good environment to study english...people there was very friendly and helpful as i joined the class half way through...they tried to help me out with the lessons,brought me to the canteen and also the ICT room plus showing me where was the toilet...they were really great people..i could see how different countries people live under the same roof...

But one thing that i understand is that student who went abroad to study was facing a very big emotion..their thinking is abit different from the locals..deep down inside their heart, i could feel those sadness and loneliness being apart from their family...how much they hope that they could go home or their parents could just fly over to pay them a short visit...they really do miss their home alot especially during festive seasons...children being apart from home are really facing a very strong emotion...no wonder many of them get themselves into drugs and smoking...hope that they coulde handle their emotions well and being at the correct route...

time to study and sleep...

-yin-

REsults and HoLIdayzz

Well...i have received my results when i was at cameron...i was so worried bout my result that i cant even convince myself to check it when i reach home the next day...luckily there was a small cybercafe near to my hotel...therefore i asked my sister to accompany me to that cybercafe..paid 50cents juz to check on my result...eventually the result that i received wasnt very good but it is much better than my expectation...actually i am quite happy about it..i knew i did my very best and that was what i deserved..finally the big burden that i carried for so long had come to an end...afterthat my mood totally came back and i continued enjoying my holiday...

Now holiday is almost coming to an end...3months aint enough for me...feel like it only lasted for 3weeks...this holiday is fast and furious...i need more holiday!!!! hahahaha....how i hope this will last for another 3months...hahahaha...anyway..i enjoy alot of my holiday..wasnt just wandering around...wasnt working...but it is contented...it is a full rest before the next hectic semester...try to be prepared mentally and physically...i think next semester will be a better semester for me...cross my fingers and hope for the very very best...good luck yin!!!!

-yin-

Value of an A

How does a student value an A???can i say very important??maybe for some particular students..for me..it is something that i might regret..something that i will be sad of..and something that i might be disappointed with...but how well that i can grab it in my hands??and why i am so obsessed with it??i should learn that getting an A doesnt mean i am the best yet not getting an A doesnt meant that i have lose everything...life is not about getting an A in the examination slip..but it is not deniable that it affects a student mentally..this is because we are so used to look at it as a ruler to measure our performance and achievement..but the question aroused is whether is it an appropriate ruler??maybe yes maybe not..but definitely i should learn that not getting an A is not a big deal yet getting an A is a special bonus from GOD...dont take it too seriously and not to be too obsessed with it..yet i will still work and hope for it for it make me feel proud...The whole semester one has finally over..fuh...it has been really a tough time..maybe the toughest time that i have ever been through..but yet it is over...leaving behind is my results and that might be my main concern..i couldnt express the fear in my heart but honestly i am scare that i could not get good results this time...maybe luck is not with me or maybe i havent put enough effort or maybe i am juz not smart enough...but down to the point..i am scare...i fear of the disappointment that i will feel when i get my examination slip..i have a bad intuition..but still i hope for the best...i could say that i have push to my extend and i have no regrets...It is holiday..y thinking of my studies???i have long waiting for this holiday to arrive...i am very happy that i finally have this long holidays..atleast giving me some time to rearrange my life..try to balance up my feelings before having to meet another war...i knew next semester will be much more hectic than the past semester and it will only be tougher but yet i want myself to be mentally ready..i dont want to feel that strong stress in my life anymore..i have enough of it...the feeling of a heavy stone on my chest is more than i could stand..i dont want to feel fear anymore..i want to taste my confidence again...I hope i can fully utilise my holidays to have enough rest before the arrival of the next war...i really hope that i wont feel the fear anymore...i want to be STRESS FREE!!!!!I pray to GOD hoping that my results will not be that bad and i could reach my expectation...pls God...i pray to you with all my heart...i hope everything will be just fine...Pray hard... :)

Did i make the right decision?

It is only 7 days before the final exam but i am here confused with my own thoughts. "Did i make the right decision?" is always the question playing in my mind. It is already the ending of year one sem one of my degree course but yet i am still wondering is this the right decision. Studying actuarial science is indeed difficult..something that i have already expect before i sign up this course. But i have never thought that it is something that do not really suits me. I am not happy in this course. It is tough,yes but i am not interested with it which makes it even more harder. But what is the solution for this??changing course??Yes, my parents have said that they will let me to change the course but can I??i cant get through this...i know if i have chosen to change, it really will make them felt disappointed and i dont know how is it gonna be in the future..will i be happier in engineering courses??maybe yes because there are alot of my friends there..but i know this is not the right reason..

I have chosen actuarial science because of my passion towards mathematics but is this what i expect..this is only the 1st sem but it has already been so tough to me...That day when i went to the bookstore, i looked at the shelf full of books..i saw physics books,chemistry books,engineering books, all the science books...i wanted to hold it..i wish i could read it but..i turned away to look at those books that i have no interest at all which is accounts...finance..econs...discrete maths..oh gosh...i feel like vomitting whenever i look at this books..at that moment i really felt very sad...very sad for my own decision..
but i still have to persuade myself that i will like those books...because if i choose to hate, i will never get through this..so i still took up an accounting book to look at..ignoring those science books...i think i have made a huge mistake in my life..but what can i do??? the only thing that i can do is to persuade myself that i will like this subjects one day...it is for sure that i can get through this..sometimes i succeeded in persuading myself but sometimes i failed...

I have knew this hard feelings will arose when i enrol in this course...i regret that i did not make a clear cut during the end of my foundation to change my course..i thought i will enjoy learning new stuff but actually i did not..learning something new and giving up my favourite subjects is really hard..i would still be able to pass my course but i dont know when i will be happy with it..all that i have for this whole sem is stress and lonely feeling...somehow i started to have books phobia..everytime i walked in my room..i felt the tense and unhappy feelings..therefore sometimes i rather study in the kitchen..i have never had this kinda hard feelings before...scared of books...



i got no idea who to turn to...yet dont know who i can tell my problem to...therefore i could only write...how i wish that there is someone that can talk to about this..how i hope someone can tell me what is the solution for this mistake??
i dont know how my future will be??continue with this course or choose to give up??maybe i will like this course in the future or maybe i will just continue with this kinda life..but if i change..how will it be then???will i be able to cope with it????i will never know my future...never will understand therefore there will always be a question mark in my head..."DID I MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION???"

For the first time in my life...i felt that life is so tough and study can actually be such a terrible thing...But no matter how is it..cheer up girl...be strong and dont think negatively...be a lil more optimist and life will be happier..But Lee Hung Yin, no matter what happens..no matter how unhappy u are...life is still life...study is still study...you still have to do your best and live the rest...dont let emotion takes over your rationality..

Losing pride,losing dignity,losing confidence

Study is suppose to be something fun and enjoying...i should have enjoy the process but not the result..but it is hard to accept it at a short moment..i am not angry, i am not the worst one, but i am not satisfy..i am disappointed with myself..disappointed of the result that i have produced..disappointed with my hand, disappointed with my brain,disappointed of what i have done to my exam..i do not enjoy my life now..lonely school, stressed life and pressured days..i knew i shoudnt have thought that way but it is something out of my control..i cant control my mind..i tried to work hard for it but i still cannot achieve the desired result that i want...ya it is true..it happens to people who used to be at the top but now falling all the way down..not falling too bad..just falling to an unsatisfactory level..i am stupid, i am ego, i am stubborn, i am kiasu..i admit it...i tried to change my mind set that it is ok to be worst than others but this is something that i cant do it at the short moment..it needs time...i need time to adapt myself...i need time...i know that since we have done our very best we should not care what the result is...all tiz theory i knew it very well..i have heard it alot..but when it comes to really understanding the meaning behind it,it is really tough..all the advises that i have heard before i could remember it very well..but it is just hard..very hard to really put down the disappointment that i felt..everytime when exam reached, i tried harder and harder juz to get the satisfactory feeling...but now the more i tried and pushed, the more i fall..it is something underneath my feelings...the disappointment and sadness and pressure are all beneath it..i always wanted to hide it but i cant ..it conveys naturally..i know i shouldnt have felt thiz way..i know that i should accept the extend that i can go...but thiz is not wat i wan...i dont want to stop myself at thiz level..i want back that satisfaction that i have before..but the more i pushed myself..the more i felt disappointed...is my expectation too high???i expect for something that i could not reach??? i need to find a way out of this...everything comes too fast..it is something i have never expect in my life..it is up and downs in life..i know..but i need time...i need time to adapt with everything that i am goin through now....if i can get through this,i will be able to stand up and shine again...it is tough now but i am sure that i can get through it..things that we met often will be usual to us...it is all because it is the condition that i have never met before..condition that i have never expected to be so bad...but i can go through it..i know i can...i know what i am doing and i understand my condition...it is all the matter of time and adjustment...friends and family..do not worry about me..it is all mental thought that i am goin through..one of the downs that i am going through..i will be fine..just give me some time to get use to falling down...i wont be crazy because of this...dont worry...i felt so disappointed with myself not because of the good and smart people in my class, juz that study has always been something that i am proud of myself but now i am not doing as good as usual..it is like shaving a lion's hair..a lion without its hair loses all his pride and dignity...it happens the same way to me..losing my study means losing my pride..thats is y it felt so bad..but dont worry, hair will grow same as my confidence will slowly be build up again too..so..do not need worry about me..it will grow someday but it takes time...

Welcoming speech

Hey friends and family...

Many might wonder..huh!! hung yin also wants to blog?!?! The answer is yes..after i have seen a few of my friend's blogs, i realised that i do need a blog too. But why shouldn't i started it years before? The reason is last time i used to have a bunch of friends sparing times with me to hear what i feel and what i thinks. But now, not that i am blaming my friends but we should understand the university life. It is no more that easy and free life, no more the life of having a lot of friends surrounding you or maybe i myself do not have time to spend with my friends when they asked me to go out. Now that i have started my degree course, i realised that we should learn to be alone, learn to stand on own feet and learn to have lunch alone or maybe go home alone. That's y i choose to create my own blog in order to give myself a chance to express the deep thoughts inside. I dont wish to be insane after my degree course. Hehe..

Now that i am in degree, i finally realised that life is so different during foundation time. Although we always complain that the place wasn't big enough, food was not tasty, air-con are always malfunctioning, the lecture rooms are like classrooms and etc, yet i think that it was the most memorable and enjoyable time. I could walked pass the foyer, having alot of friends to say hi. The people there are so familiar and friendly although the place is very small to so-called university. Always will look forward to go to uni because you know that there is a bunch of your classmates that will crack jokes and make the atmosphere so lively and happy. I could remember that TD4 has never fail to make every classes ended with laughter. But now.....it is totally the opposite way. I realised that i have fallen into a dark room where i cannot see any eager of going to uni. Every monday was the worst day and when it started, i was looking forward how long will it takes to reach friday so that i do not have to go back to a place full of strangers. I miss TD4!!!!

I have tried sitting in the big staircase(maybe wanted to make a survey), i looked at every students that walk through the big gate heading towards the canteen and lift, i realised that out of 10 maybe there is not even a single person that i am familiar with or maybe i should say, i have not even seen them before in my entire life. How scary and terrified the feelings is, switching from an environment full of laughter and friends to a place where you do not even know a single person. I felt like crying everytime i recalled the day.

Soon, when i know about my tutorial group, i knew that i am in a class with michelle and khai yuen. Both of them are not counted as close friends during foundation but now we spend most of the time together. Michelle said that we are the most familiar strangers. Indeed, it is true. Talking back about my tutorial group, i realised how tiny i am especially during the basic professional writing classes. Oh gosh! Some of them are superb in their general knowlegde and english grammer. They know which king, what classical movies, (i cant even remember the questions already). The feeling is bad where you feel to squeeze yourself into a hole when you realised that how shallow your knowlegde is compared to them. And after almost 4 weeks studying in the same tutorial group, i havent had any new friends yet especially from the art streams people. Again i realised that my social skill has drop to somewhere or maybe vanish in the air where i couldnt find my courage to talk to them. Everybody seems letting a cold shouler. Maybe they already come in a group so lone rangers like me do not get a chance to blend into their group.

I can still remember how moody i was on the 1st week of degree. Everyday when i took the train back to klang, i would wonder what a choice i have made? Do i have a chance to regret? What life i will be leading if i took engineering course, having to live with my bestfriend and being in the same campus with most of my TD4 friends? This is just a mere thought. I know i do not have a chance to regret anymore or in other words i cannot regret. The word regret cannot and must not exist in my dictionary. Therefore, everytime when i felt lonely, i would tell myself it is just the starting. Life would get better when you adapt to the new environment. I cannot and should not stop. The only thing that i can do is to move forward and to face a new life. Sometimes being alone wasn't as bad as i think. It can be fun to go shopping alone rite??

Hence, friends out there, if you are feeling as lonely as i do in the new environment, don't feel sad. Friendship that has been made will never lost neither do being alone is a bad thing. It is just the way how we look at the situation and how we adapt to new environment. Life can be wonderful if you try to enjoy it. There are always up and downs in our life. Gambateh my friends and also myself!!!!!!! I shall can make my life as interesting as i want it to be because it is my LIFE!!!!